Book Summary Preview : Please Don’t Shoot the Messenger!

The Big Idea

Whether it’s asking your boss for a raise, or dismissing an employee as painlessly as possible, this book addresses all kinds of thorny situations, how we can effectively communicate in business situations, and calmly manage potential conflict.

1. Mastering the psychology of conflict prevention and conflict management

• First acknowledge that conflict is natural and normal despite what many believe.
• There are four predictable responses to conflict: Avoidance of the person, offering a compromise, fighting back, or coddling (telling someone there’s nothing to be upset about, which may fuel their anger even more).
• The greatest conflict you’ll manage will be inside of you.
• We cannot control other people’s reactions and emotions, but we can at least control our own.
• Learn to enjoy everything, accepting the bad along with the good.
• The interesting thing about comedians is they come from poor and dysfunctional backgrounds. The ability to use a sense of humor in certain situations can help you get through them.
• Take a well-deserved break, take a walk, take deep breaths, or if you must let off some steam, hit a punching bag or enroll in a martial arts class. Don’t take yourself and the situation you’re in too seriously, everything will come to pass.
• Don’t take things personally. This is just work, it’s just a job.
• There are several types of messages that can put us on the defensive: When someone uses forms of name-calling, or gives a negative evaluation of us, tries to control our behavior, strategically keeps information from us, gives us a neutral cool reply, tries to be superior, or acts like a know-it-all.
• There are many ways to manage conflict and remain tranquil at the same time. First, remember that what goes around comes around, so if someone is treating you unfairly, sooner or later “they’ll get theirs”. You can also use a little assertiveness, or “be like water”. This means partially agreeing, to leave your adversary little to resist, then disagreeing in an easy-going manner, without sounding too hard and stubborn. The more we stiffen our resolve, the less our adversaries will back down, and the cycle leads to greater misunderstandings, creating a lose-lose situation all around.
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